Always

Made me laugh...had to share! Thanks Jana!


Dear Mr.. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing
there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm
guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,
my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens
during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America
is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which
brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the
throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body
and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a
Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual
period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind
of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a
day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua
and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more
sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put
down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though
I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one
minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a
promise I will keep.


Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX